Sigh... some of you have mentioned kindly that everything at my house seems perfect. I apologize for giving that impression! I blog the good things so my kids can look back one day and try to remember the fun. But around here it is so far from perfect. Take yesterday for example...
First I'll start off with something positive. One wonderful thing about yesterday was that Lexi woke up on the right side of the bed which is a small miracle, seriously! It was so nice not to have any trauma before sending her off to school.
After Kyler and Lexi were gone I took Porter and Brenner with me on some errands. We had a nice drive. But then Porter's true colors came out in the store. He would NOT stay by me, using every ounce of his 4-year old defiance to do everything opposite of what I asked him. Brenner got hungry and was wailing so I was trying to carry him and steer the cart one handed while trying to keep up with Porter. I finally left my cart, asked a lady who was shopping nearby to watch it for a minute and ran from the back of the store to the front where Porter was going out the front doors. I'll spare you all the other details but just know it wasn't a pleasant shopping trip.
We got home in time to see Lexi get off the bus and eat lunch. Then my visiting teaching companion called and said she had set up an appointment in 1/2 hour. So I hurried to read the lesson in the Ensign and we were off. As I turned on the car I looked up to see the house door wide open. I asked who went out last and asked her to please get out and shut the door to which she refused. I got out to shut the door and then yelled at my kids as we drove. Did I mention I'd been up since 3am with Brenner? I was starting to feel it. And have I mentioned before I have a hard time being patient when I'm tired? So did I have the Spirit as I was trying to teach the lesson? Not really. And I'm sorry about that because it was a wonderful lesson on being a Daughter of God.
My kids did not mind me while we were visiting teaching. When I asked them to go back outside they just looked right at me and said, "No." That infuriates me. I hate having to disipline in front of other people and my kids know it. I always feel like a big dork.
As we were leaving Lexi begged to have my companion's little girl come play. I said okay. We got home just before Kyler got off the bus. He wanted to go play with his friend across the street and I told him he needed to do his homework really quick first. It was a cute assignment to draw a picture and write a few lines about himself. He did a great job. But when he was done he left it on the table. Porter came in a few minutes later and crumpled it up. Why? I don't know. Kyler saw this and was so mad he pulled Porter making him do a backflip off the table. Porter started screaming. And Kyler was crying because his homework was crumpled. They both got in trouble.
Lexi came in when I was changing Brenner's diaper and started having a tantrum because she didn't like something I got for her at the store. Hello!? She told me she was going to find a different mom and I snapped back, "Fine! Find a different mom!" I hate it when things like that fly out of my mouth. I hate when I yell at my kids.
It was time for dinner so we loaded up in the car to take Lexi's little friend home. As they all got in the car Lexi threw a metal toy 4-wheeler in the backseat and it hit Porter in the head. That kid has got a set of lungs I tell you. It scared all of us but especially Brenner. It scared him to death so he started wailing again. All this was happening as I was backing out of the garage and heard a crunch and realized I had run over someone's bike. Lexi got out to move the bike and we proceeded on our way with all the screaming and crying.
We got to this little girl's house and no one was home. I had seen her brother outside her grandparent's house as we drove by so I took her there. Her mom pulled in right after me. She had gone out to my house to pick her up and we'd just missed each other.
Of course my kids jump out of the car the minute we stopped to go see the horses. They were lucky and both Lexi and Porter got to ride on one of their horses around the pasture.
When we got home the kids stayed outside to play. I sat down on the couch to feed Brenner, moving a blanket out of my way as I sat down. It felt like I was sitting on a toy but when I went to move it it was wet and squishy. Gross! I'm pretty sure I know who left this here. His name starts with P and he has a really hard time remembering where the garbage is.
Dave got home from work and found out how much money I spent today. Never a good thing. I hate it when he's frustrated with me. So I couldn't help it. I started crying.
I sat there crying thinking of all the ways I had messed up during the day. All the times I yelled and was impatient with my kids. My messy house. My frustrated husband. I felt like a failure at everything. I was beyond discouraged. And then my sweet Brenner smiled up at me with his sparkly blue eyes. He just kept smiling and smiling at me as I was crying. I tried to smile back, but cried more because this poor baby is too good to have been sent to me. I'm not a good enough mom. But he kept smiling up at me. I feel like it was a tender mercy moment to help me carry on. I stopped crying and wiped my eyes. At least Brenner loves me. And in a small way it reminded me that Heavenly Father still loves me. Even though I'm so far from perfect. I need to keep trying.
I wiped my eyes again and got up to make dinner. But when I went outside to tell the kids to come eat none of them obeyed. The neighbors were over playing too. Dinner is no fun compared to that. I'm so tired of speaking and having no one listen. It's like something magic takes my voice and makes it disapear into the wind. Why is that? I'm also tired of the whining, the fighting, the hitting. I told them one more time to come in or they would be grounded. After I dished up their plates and only Kyler had come inside, I marched out to where Lexi and Porter were sitting in a puddle of muddy water digging for rocks and whispered loudly (to spare my neighbors any more details into our insanity) that they were grounded for 5 days from playing with any friends and to get their fannies inside this instant.
Since they were both wet and muddy I made them take off their clothes and eat in their wet underwear so dinner didn't get cold while they were in the tub. So much for my resolve to be a better mom huh? Sometimes I seriously ponder calling Supernanny.
Oh, and I hope my neighbors know I'm doing my best and don't think I am crazy. I'm sure the damage has already been done and they've heard one too many things echoing out of our house. Like this morning when Kyler was out waiting for the bus. I remembered when I looked out the window yesterday and he was going pee on the side of the road as the bus pulled up. So trying to avoid that scene again this morning I hollered out the door, "Kyler have you gone to the bathroom?" He said no, so I told him to run back to the house. The bus was coming and he was just standing there watching it roll down the road. I started yelling, "Don't just stand there, hurry! Hurry!" when I noticed our neighbor taking out his garbage. What a sight I was in my hot-pink bathrobe yelling at Kyler to hurry to use the bathroom. I promise I'm not crazy. Although sometimes I feel like I am.
This motherhood thing is tough! Somedays I want to give up. And yes there are wonderful moments too. But some days I feel like I just don't measure up. It is really hard for me to admit this to the masses. So why am I? Why am I venting today? In a few hours I'm sure I will be mortified I posted this. Maybe I better hurry and delete it so you can all keep thinking I'm better than I really am.
Brenner giggled at me for the first time today! I LOVED it! I can't believe he is 3 months old. He loves to sit in his Bumbo for a few minutes at a time. The poor thing is so chubby he barely fits in it.
Opes, he found his feet. He loves watching those little things that are constantly moving. They keep him entertained for a few minutes anyway! 
He loves to hold onto anything soft like a towel, blanket, or clothes. I think it's funny that he gets so excited over it and smiles, squeals and kicks like crazy while hanging to it for dear life and trying to stuff it in his mouth.
